Pavlov’s Doorbell

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The Ass Is Always Greener

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If my external life were even half as active as my internal life, I’d need a personal assistant and two naps per day.

We already had the whole DNA and parenting thing going, but when my dad quoted Clueless at a stop sign, I finally knew for sure that we’re related.

The Homonym Hero

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Whoever said “it’s the journey, not the destination,” definitely wasn’t on a plane surrounded by screaming children.

Sometimes I wish I had kids just so I could make them watch The Fosters with me. Then I remember how much work kids are and I’m totally okay watching alone.

The Gender Noun Smackdown

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I’ve mostly come to terms with my lack of super powers, but I’ll never give up my dream of fast forwarding time via musical montage. Some parts of life could use a quick, catchy edit.
If the real world were more like TV, I’d get a “previously on…” recap of key events in the life of every person I encounter before deciding to engage in their particular programming. I’d also get a mute button!